tonight i began my drive and realized there was no obvious person to call… i listened to some npr, then turned it off, surprising myself with the choice for silence. where does one’s mind go when faced with the meditative buzz of traffic, the lit foggy road and lots of red reflective lights?

and then the phone rang… from a number that hardly appears and when it does often comes with a request or a question. not tonight. instead my friend on the other end was calling just to say she was thinking of me. she was thinking about my upcoming top surgery and how excited she was for me. she wanted to tell me how courageous i was, how happy she knew i’d be afterwards, and share a relatable moment from her life. i felt thrown. there, right when i turned everything off, someone reached out just to tell me i am ok and that this big life changing thing that i am doing is really great. thank you universe, again, for bringing me affirmation.

as i grow into some semblance of a trans identity there has been a predictable roller coaster of emotions. but while the ride was expected, the moments themselves have been anything but. each one seems to creep up and startle me from behind. like my spontaneous road trip this summer. one random wednesday in august, my dad called to see what i was doing for the weekend, and if i’d be up for a road trip in the redwoods, driving south from portland to sf. never mind my father lives in dc. how we knew that i was feeling at my lowest, deeply insecure and anti-social, i’ll never quite comprehend. this was beyond coincidence. but i felt rescued from my head, someone had tossed me a rope and pulled me to the safest harbor. just me and dad, in the car, driving some of the most beautiful roads in the world. we didn’t stop talking for two days. together, he helped me climb out of my hole and see past the shadows that had been hiding over me for years.

i’m seven months away from surgery and i feel like i’m still on the beginning part of this ride. still in the initial ascent. barely out of the the gate. and now just a bit more out.